I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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