I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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