had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
