You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
