Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There r osticjed everywhere
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
