U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just threw up on my dentist
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
