last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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