After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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