He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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