All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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