I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
tell me about the fingering
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