i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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