I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
