What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
