If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
