woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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