No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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