Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
They left me at home... I'm a liability
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
