Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
