I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Mom said you looked used
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
