***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
