please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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