she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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