i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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