I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
