New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
