Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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