i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
