my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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