Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
