Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
