i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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