I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
