The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
