Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
