"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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