That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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