she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i drank out of a bidet.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
