ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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