I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
