I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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