Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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