You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
