i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
