Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
