I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
