Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
