I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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