She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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