Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
