You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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